God I know it’s been a long time, I have so much to say, so much to do, I don’t know where to begin. First I would like to apologize to IL and SN, I have been a bad friend of late, and as I’ve neglected this blog I’ve also neglected them. I do have some pretty good reasons though, I’m moving in two weeks, not far but apartantly it takes a lot of time packing a apartment, when you are not just throwing everything in plastic bags and calling it a day. Second is school is a lot more work then I remember. Then next and final reason is that I really haven’t been going out at night as much as I used to, and if I do its because I’ve been drinking all day and am home by 9:30.
Things in my life that Rock now:
Young chicks (I go to a community college and am the only person there over twenty)
Not feeling like shit every Sunday
Fishing, I love those little fuckers
Online poker, I needed another vice
Having a laptop, the thirty minute drive to my parent every time I wanted to gamble was killing me
So last weekend I had a volleyball tournament and what do I do at volleyball tournaments, I get drunk, and what do I wake up with on Sunday morning, a hangover, and what do I have to do on Sunday, yup a four year olds b-days party at my girlfriends parent house. So I’m thinking fine I’ll go over there eat my face off, drink an entire 2-liter of sierra mist, all of the apple cider and watch some football. So everything goes as planed for the first hour then little Johney wants to open some presents, fine. Mind you that there are about thirty people at this thing so presents are going to take a while. But wait, what is SL’s dad doing? Why is he walking toward the television? Wait, Wait DAMN IT STOP, DON’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, DAMN YOU FAT MAN. Yup no TV while junior is opening up his 140 presents, fan fucking tastic. Yup he’s bringing out video camera; now my happiness can be recorded on film for the world to see. Fine so I sit there for a hour and watch him unwrap legos fine and making stupid jokes on how this video is going to create a JT media frezy and I'm going on Oprha. So we’re done, wait what’s he doing, why is he rewinding the video camera? The end of this story was for the next hour on the TV wasn’t football, it was junior unwrapping his presents all over. They could use that Video to extract information from Iraq prisoners.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Friday, August 11, 2006
The 48 Year Old Freshman...
Sorry I know you feel alone without me here every week, it's just that lately I haven't really been feeling as witty as I used to. I am going back to school September 5th which will prolong me geting a job any time soon, which is really pretty sweet. I can't wait to talk to some college freshman girl, but not as a boyfriend or brother, I believe I am more of a father figure to them now. I could use cool lines like:
Me: "Wanna go see Pearl jam?"
Her: "Who?"
or
Me: "I can't wait for Hypercolor to make a come back."
Her: "What?"
Me: "You know, Hypercolor. Those are the shirts we used to wear with our Skids."
Her: "Why are you talking to me?
Me: "Because you remind me of me when I was a kid."
Her: "You smell like booze."
Well that's all for now. You've got to keep them wanting more, IJ and I are going out drinking tonight (SL's on business in Atlanta making herself a better person, plus putting bacon on the table) and when the girls are away, the mice will get shitty drunk, spend too much money, look but not touch, and be overall pretty embarrassed tomorrow. Sweet, sweet action.
JT OUT
Me: "Wanna go see Pearl jam?"
Her: "Who?"
or
Me: "I can't wait for Hypercolor to make a come back."
Her: "What?"
Me: "You know, Hypercolor. Those are the shirts we used to wear with our Skids."
Her: "Why are you talking to me?
Me: "Because you remind me of me when I was a kid."
Her: "You smell like booze."
Well that's all for now. You've got to keep them wanting more, IJ and I are going out drinking tonight (SL's on business in Atlanta making herself a better person, plus putting bacon on the table) and when the girls are away, the mice will get shitty drunk, spend too much money, look but not touch, and be overall pretty embarrassed tomorrow. Sweet, sweet action.
JT OUT
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Waking up to Danza
Hello everyone,
So I'm one step closer to becoming homeless, yes that's right I slept in my first hallway this weekend, and boy was it a boost to my self esteem. Me, curled up, snoring using a backpack as a pillow, the landlord stepping over me at 6am to wake me up and let me into my apartment. Apparently landlords in Rochester are not on call at 2am Saturday night after you've been drinking for 14 hours and left your keys at a bar.
I was thinking I might jump on this "Myspace" bandwagon that way I can figure out how many friends I have. I could wake up every morning and look into my computer's eyes and finally realized that not only am I liked by my parents but also 64 other random people I've never met or cared about.
I finally realized I really need a job, not for lack of money (owww sweet, sweet unemployment insurance) but so that I make sure I get up before 9am so I can watch the Tony Danza show. If that doesn't scream House Mom, I don't know what does.
Me: "Little Johnny, you have to go to school today the bus is almost here and Danza just started."
Johnny: "But I don't feel so well."
Me: "Don't let me get your working mother that supports this family because I'm a lazy asshole after you, you remember what happened last time."
Johnny: "She threatened to divorce you so you would have to move in with your parents."
Me: "Sit down son, take a load off. Let's watch some Danza."
So I'm one step closer to becoming homeless, yes that's right I slept in my first hallway this weekend, and boy was it a boost to my self esteem. Me, curled up, snoring using a backpack as a pillow, the landlord stepping over me at 6am to wake me up and let me into my apartment. Apparently landlords in Rochester are not on call at 2am Saturday night after you've been drinking for 14 hours and left your keys at a bar.
I was thinking I might jump on this "Myspace" bandwagon that way I can figure out how many friends I have. I could wake up every morning and look into my computer's eyes and finally realized that not only am I liked by my parents but also 64 other random people I've never met or cared about.
I finally realized I really need a job, not for lack of money (owww sweet, sweet unemployment insurance) but so that I make sure I get up before 9am so I can watch the Tony Danza show. If that doesn't scream House Mom, I don't know what does.
Me: "Little Johnny, you have to go to school today the bus is almost here and Danza just started."
Johnny: "But I don't feel so well."
Me: "Don't let me get your working mother that supports this family because I'm a lazy asshole after you, you remember what happened last time."
Johnny: "She threatened to divorce you so you would have to move in with your parents."
Me: "Sit down son, take a load off. Let's watch some Danza."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Racist Gary and IJ
When I thought about writing this post, a couple of ideas came to mind, one how when I came home at 7 Saturday night SL had already drank 12 beers, awesome, and then continued to drink, even more F-ing awesome. Number two, maybe a funny college tale about the biggest and longest lie in history, then the three reasons that I love IJ. Well folks you are going to get two out of three today, so here comes the story of the biggest lie in the world.
It all starts one faithful night at the Theta Chi fraterninty house. I'm sitting there with a nice young lady named Shelly. Now Shelly is pretty hot, plus cool, also we've made out before and I'm thinking that maybe we might be able to awkwardly fondle each other the way only drunk college kids do. Another part of this story is a friend of mine, Gary who fell off the deep end that summer and decided to become a skin head. So needless to say it was getting late and the Pabst Ice was flowing, I'm getting drunk and Gary's getting racist. Yelling about jews, blacks, and asians like they owe him money. Shelly's getting upset because she's Jewish, so finally I, her knight in shining armor say, "You know what I'm Jewish." Which of course let me be the pinpoint of his anger not Shelly. I'm thinking I'm the big hero, this will all blow over and I finally get to touch her love taco. Well needless to say, she didn't sleep with me. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her again, and I was known as the Jewish kid for the next five years. Gary and I started getting along as he became less racist and an Elvis impersinator, until one fine night, in the bathroom of a bar. We were both at a urinal, I turn, look him square in the side of the head and say "You know what Gary I'm not jewish at all, I was raised Catholic and have never even been inside of a Temple." Then with a look of surprise he turned and asked me to join him in the parking lot, because though he hides it well, once a racist alway a racist.
Reasons I love IJ
1. He knows everything about movies and music, by far the best "Do you know who sang this?" guy I've ever met.
2. He hates most people
3. He would find the idea of tackling my old boss for no reason funny
4. He can drink 9 Bud Lights in a hour
5. He loves sleep more than I do
6. When I told him I was fired he said "That's fucking awesome!"
Reasons I hate IJ
1. He has a little yellow sports car (gay)
JT OUT
It all starts one faithful night at the Theta Chi fraterninty house. I'm sitting there with a nice young lady named Shelly. Now Shelly is pretty hot, plus cool, also we've made out before and I'm thinking that maybe we might be able to awkwardly fondle each other the way only drunk college kids do. Another part of this story is a friend of mine, Gary who fell off the deep end that summer and decided to become a skin head. So needless to say it was getting late and the Pabst Ice was flowing, I'm getting drunk and Gary's getting racist. Yelling about jews, blacks, and asians like they owe him money. Shelly's getting upset because she's Jewish, so finally I, her knight in shining armor say, "You know what I'm Jewish." Which of course let me be the pinpoint of his anger not Shelly. I'm thinking I'm the big hero, this will all blow over and I finally get to touch her love taco. Well needless to say, she didn't sleep with me. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her again, and I was known as the Jewish kid for the next five years. Gary and I started getting along as he became less racist and an Elvis impersinator, until one fine night, in the bathroom of a bar. We were both at a urinal, I turn, look him square in the side of the head and say "You know what Gary I'm not jewish at all, I was raised Catholic and have never even been inside of a Temple." Then with a look of surprise he turned and asked me to join him in the parking lot, because though he hides it well, once a racist alway a racist.
Reasons I love IJ
1. He knows everything about movies and music, by far the best "Do you know who sang this?" guy I've ever met.
2. He hates most people
3. He would find the idea of tackling my old boss for no reason funny
4. He can drink 9 Bud Lights in a hour
5. He loves sleep more than I do
6. When I told him I was fired he said "That's fucking awesome!"
Reasons I hate IJ
1. He has a little yellow sports car (gay)
JT OUT
Friday, July 14, 2006
Another asshole post
I’m Sorry, Jesus Christ I’m sorry I’ve been busy, very busy with my new vice. Yup you guessed it not that drinking and smoking and a history of drug abuse wasn’t enough, I’ve taken up online gambling. Sweet sweet texas holdem 1000 hands a day, 7 days a week 365 days a year (or the last 14) and what do I have for my 50 hours of online play, $10.70, yup up $10.70. If I keep this up I might make $26 this year. Besides that nothing is really going on, I got drunk last night, I got drunk on Tuesday too.
In other news I’ve been trying to get up before noon everyday and its just not working. You know what I’m going to stop this right now, this post suck,s I’ll post again when I have something funny to say. Its not going to be today though maybe Monday. I can't help it I'm grumpy.
In other news I’ve been trying to get up before noon everyday and its just not working. You know what I’m going to stop this right now, this post suck,s I’ll post again when I have something funny to say. Its not going to be today though maybe Monday. I can't help it I'm grumpy.
Thursday, June 29, 2006
Volleyball & Jesus
So I'm sitting at the library right now, because I can't have roadrunner at home. This is because with being out of work and that much porn at my finger tips I would:
1. Never find a job
2. Probably be able to get into the world's strongest man contest on forearms alone
So I think I'll break this post up into two parts a. how I got hafnered this weekend and b. the amazing thing I just heard in the library
A. So I was playing volleyball this weekend. I was playing well got a nice long break before the finals (nice long break = 5 bud lights & red bull and vodka). Prize for First Place $300 (I'm not working right now and money's a little tough, so this would have been sweet) and Second Place got a backpack. Guess which one I got? Yes, a sweet, sweet backpack. Not only is the backpack the sweetest thing on the face of the earth, I can put all my school books in it when I go to class, wait a second I'm not in college, I'm not 20 years old, what the fuck am I going to do with a backpack? Plus it's the same backpack I won playing volleyball last summer, fantastic!
B. I'm at the computer, minding my own business when a child walks by me followed by his mom and these words verbatim come out of her mouth:
"Honey, you know Jesus doesn't like you to walk ahead."
If your not smart enough to make your own set of jokes here please stop reading my blog.
1. Never find a job
2. Probably be able to get into the world's strongest man contest on forearms alone
So I think I'll break this post up into two parts a. how I got hafnered this weekend and b. the amazing thing I just heard in the library
A. So I was playing volleyball this weekend. I was playing well got a nice long break before the finals (nice long break = 5 bud lights & red bull and vodka). Prize for First Place $300 (I'm not working right now and money's a little tough, so this would have been sweet) and Second Place got a backpack. Guess which one I got? Yes, a sweet, sweet backpack. Not only is the backpack the sweetest thing on the face of the earth, I can put all my school books in it when I go to class, wait a second I'm not in college, I'm not 20 years old, what the fuck am I going to do with a backpack? Plus it's the same backpack I won playing volleyball last summer, fantastic!
B. I'm at the computer, minding my own business when a child walks by me followed by his mom and these words verbatim come out of her mouth:
"Honey, you know Jesus doesn't like you to walk ahead."
If your not smart enough to make your own set of jokes here please stop reading my blog.
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
My Posthumously Philanthropic Uncle...
Sorry, I have to apologize for leaving all 85 of you out in the wind for the last week, SL's been sick and my uncle just passed away. He is probably the only person who doesn't live in a third world country that actually died from pneumonia. He doesn't have AIDS or anything he actually died from pneumonia, he was just too lazy to go see a doctor. So I've been having fun the last couple of days being a profiteer from all his old crap.
Mom: "Do you want the first five seasons of Sopranos?"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "Do you guys need a new computer?"
Me: "Yes." A blatant lie
Mom: "Do you need a DVD player?"
Me: "Yes." Another lie, I have two I'm just too lazy to go to my old house and pick them up
Mom: "Do you need Sex in the City DVD's?"
Me: "Yes." I didn't even know my Uncle was gay
So thats what I've been doing for the last couple of days, getting stuff I don't really need, and solidifying my first class ticket to hell. Thanks, if I have time tomorrow I'll tell you about me getting classically Hafnered this weekend.
Mom: "Do you want the first five seasons of Sopranos?"
Me: "Yes."
Mom: "Do you guys need a new computer?"
Me: "Yes." A blatant lie
Mom: "Do you need a DVD player?"
Me: "Yes." Another lie, I have two I'm just too lazy to go to my old house and pick them up
Mom: "Do you need Sex in the City DVD's?"
Me: "Yes." I didn't even know my Uncle was gay
So thats what I've been doing for the last couple of days, getting stuff I don't really need, and solidifying my first class ticket to hell. Thanks, if I have time tomorrow I'll tell you about me getting classically Hafnered this weekend.
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
Ahhh...vacation
My name is JT, I'm on vacation, I'm hungover, I'm sunburned, I'm unhappy, SL and I are fighting again. I thought this would be ok, her and I in a house on vacation, we should really get along. For christ's sake we live together. What is it with putting us in a different state that means we can't get along? The funny thing is I'm not even there yet and I know this will happen. I'm writing this on friday at the library before we go. IJ will post it for me next week. So here is my Miss Cleo like prediction, I'm going to spend the entire next week fighting with my girlfriend. It's going to start small, maybe something like I only drove 3 hours on the way down when she drove 3.5, then it's going to escalate to why don't you get a job, then finally after 14 Bud Lights it's going to be a a big fat, "Why don't you love me anymore?" Solid, my vacation is going to be so much f-ing fun.
Friday, June 09, 2006
why I'm not a adult
I think I'm going to do a David Letterman Top Ten list today, remember I'm on the government penny vacation next week, so this will probably be the last post for a couple of days. I'll try to make it a good one.
Top Ten Things Adults Do That I Don't:
10- Be married
9- Stay sober all week long
8- Would actually consider doing something on a Saturday night besides go to a bar
7- Pay their own bills
6- Go to the bathroom to Fart
5- Not consider X-Men 3 a life changing experience
4- Not get visibly excited every time I drive by a Taco Bell
3- Be tired
2- Know enough about grammar so they wouldn't have to email every post to IJ because they would be smart enough not to be worldwide embarrassed about putting an "I" before "E"
1- Have a job
I just found something cool, if you type"whythirtyscaresme" in yahoo or google search engine,shit comes up, everyone give it a try.
Top Ten Things Adults Do That I Don't:
10- Be married
9- Stay sober all week long
8- Would actually consider doing something on a Saturday night besides go to a bar
7- Pay their own bills
6- Go to the bathroom to Fart
5- Not consider X-Men 3 a life changing experience
4- Not get visibly excited every time I drive by a Taco Bell
3- Be tired
2- Know enough about grammar so they wouldn't have to email every post to IJ because they would be smart enough not to be worldwide embarrassed about putting an "I" before "E"
1- Have a job
I just found something cool, if you type"whythirtyscaresme" in yahoo or google search engine,shit comes up, everyone give it a try.
Tuesday, June 06, 2006
Anyone New?
Hi. If any one new is reading this I have been doing this for more than two days, you can check out all my other crap at www.whythirtyscaresme.eponym.com, really I'm quite funny, and handsome. I'm in the library right now and I think Sam Elliot is sitting across from me. I think I should go over there and punch him square in the jaw and really see if he's as manly as he was in We Were Soldiers. I bet I could take him he's old and I'm a young buck of thirty.
Hello everybody, I really didn't do too much this weekend besides play volleyball and spend about a million dollars that I can't afford right now. Next week I'll be at Martha's Vineyard all week. How does one afford to go on vacation without having a job, you might ask? The wonderful world of unemployment! I wish I could find some way to do this for the rest of my life, but I can't. The day that I get home I have to start with monster.com, then maybe take a glance at the paper. Then when all else fails, the temp agencies, I can't wait. Then I'll have to go on interviews, lie about myself and how motivated I am, how I'm never late. I think it will go something like this: Interviewer: Why do think you're qualified to be the vice president for the Ford motor company?
Me: "I don't have AIDS."
Interviewer: "I don't really know what that has to do with it.
Me: "Well you want someone that can stick around for a while don't you?"
Interviewer: "You smell like liquor and did't even shave to come in here, plus you're wearing a wife beater and tennis shoes."
Me: "When do I start? My f-ing office better have a window, by the way your fired!" Interviewer: "Get out of my office."
Me: "It's my office now bitch!"
I think I may be losing it.
Me: "I don't have AIDS."
Interviewer: "I don't really know what that has to do with it.
Me: "Well you want someone that can stick around for a while don't you?"
Interviewer: "You smell like liquor and did't even shave to come in here, plus you're wearing a wife beater and tennis shoes."
Me: "When do I start? My f-ing office better have a window, by the way your fired!" Interviewer: "Get out of my office."
Me: "It's my office now bitch!"
I think I may be losing it.
Monday, June 05, 2006
A cautionary tale on bad luck...
A cautionary tale on bad luck...
by Why thirty scares me on Fri 02 Jun 2006 04:35 PM EDT
Let me tell you about the wonderful world of being "hafnered." Now if you look up the word hafnered in the dictionary, it would say:
hafner(ed) (past tense) see also hafner - n. - one who has found a way to destroy every easy situation; one who makes everything good turn bad: Things were great until that hafner showed up.
v. - to have uncommonly bad luck: Wow, you just got hafnered!
adj. - description of poor or lacking quality: That car is really hafnered.
The origins of "hafnered" started with a string of events that happened to this young man in college,
1) Getting arrested while watching his friend steal a sign
2) Getting arrested in front of his girlfriend and the rest of the people at the DMV for not paying a fine, spending the night in jail (inner city), all the while having the receipt for said fine in his wallet. Cop to Hafner: "Sorry there's nothing I can do, I'm not a judge."
3) Getting beaten up in the front seat of a car for trying to save a girl
4) Having the university he's attending change its policy of grade transfers 2 years after he's been going there, lowering his GPA from 2.8 to 2.2 making graduation borderline impossible, making 6 years of school and $23,000 of debt a complete waste of time.
So let me tell you how I got hafnered yesterday. First, since it's the "Summer of JT" money is a little tight right now, but like a gift from the heavens my old boss called me up and said that he had a check from Audi for $900. It couldn't come at a better time. I'm going on a vacation next week plus my $300 car payment is due. Fantastic luck (admittedly an un-hafner like moment). Since my Dad still works there he picked up the check for me. So, I go over to their house yesterday to divide it as follows:
$300 to my parents for the small loan I have from them (when I say small, that might be a lie, unless small is a down payment on a house)
$200 to SL to help her cover bills
$300 to car insurance
$100 to me
So I have my Mom pay my car insurance online and grab a personal check for $200 for SL and $100 for me then turn the entire $900 check over to my parents. Everyone is happy, right? Wrong. Of course I got fucking hafnered! I get a phone call last night about 7 hours after I did all this and find out that the check has been cancelled and Audi has made a mistake. So instead of paying everyone back and making everyone happy I now have to get the $200 check from my girlfriend, pay back the $100 check, plus pay my car insurance which I payed early to get out of the way. The problem that I have is that the car insurance is spent money, I don't really have the $300 to cover that right now. So basically I went from getting $900 to owing my folks another $300, that's a $1200 swing.
So if SL comes home tonight to find me st
by Why thirty scares me on Fri 02 Jun 2006 04:35 PM EDT
Let me tell you about the wonderful world of being "hafnered." Now if you look up the word hafnered in the dictionary, it would say:
hafner(ed) (past tense) see also hafner - n. - one who has found a way to destroy every easy situation; one who makes everything good turn bad: Things were great until that hafner showed up.
v. - to have uncommonly bad luck: Wow, you just got hafnered!
adj. - description of poor or lacking quality: That car is really hafnered.
The origins of "hafnered" started with a string of events that happened to this young man in college,
1) Getting arrested while watching his friend steal a sign
2) Getting arrested in front of his girlfriend and the rest of the people at the DMV for not paying a fine, spending the night in jail (inner city), all the while having the receipt for said fine in his wallet. Cop to Hafner: "Sorry there's nothing I can do, I'm not a judge."
3) Getting beaten up in the front seat of a car for trying to save a girl
4) Having the university he's attending change its policy of grade transfers 2 years after he's been going there, lowering his GPA from 2.8 to 2.2 making graduation borderline impossible, making 6 years of school and $23,000 of debt a complete waste of time.
So let me tell you how I got hafnered yesterday. First, since it's the "Summer of JT" money is a little tight right now, but like a gift from the heavens my old boss called me up and said that he had a check from Audi for $900. It couldn't come at a better time. I'm going on a vacation next week plus my $300 car payment is due. Fantastic luck (admittedly an un-hafner like moment). Since my Dad still works there he picked up the check for me. So, I go over to their house yesterday to divide it as follows:
$300 to my parents for the small loan I have from them (when I say small, that might be a lie, unless small is a down payment on a house)
$200 to SL to help her cover bills
$300 to car insurance
$100 to me
So I have my Mom pay my car insurance online and grab a personal check for $200 for SL and $100 for me then turn the entire $900 check over to my parents. Everyone is happy, right? Wrong. Of course I got fucking hafnered! I get a phone call last night about 7 hours after I did all this and find out that the check has been cancelled and Audi has made a mistake. So instead of paying everyone back and making everyone happy I now have to get the $200 check from my girlfriend, pay back the $100 check, plus pay my car insurance which I payed early to get out of the way. The problem that I have is that the car insurance is spent money, I don't really have the $300 to cover that right now. So basically I went from getting $900 to owing my folks another $300, that's a $1200 swing.
So if SL comes home tonight to find me st
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
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