Sorry very sorry, I know I'm a bad person, I know that the 6 people who read this are just dieing for a post one of these days. Well here it comes baby.
I wish I could tell you I got drunk last night, I wish I could tell you that I got so drunk last night and spat on a homeless guy, then kicked his homeless dog while stealing all the money out of his homeless change can, but I can't. I didn't get drunk last night, I didn't even watch American idol.
But I did read "Running with scissors", great book, except for that graphic gay sex scenes, not the good girl on girl sex scenes but the bad old man on young boy sex scenes. Not that I have anything against the "gays", hell I don't even care if they get married I just would appreciate there anal staying out of my pleasure reading. That why I've come up with a top ten list of things that I would like to read about, so if anyone has a book covering these subjects let me know.
10. Gambling
9. Drugs and booze
8. My ex boss George being thrown into a wood chipper
7. sweet, sweet girl on girl action
6. Vegas
5. Get rich quick books, that actually work that require little or no effort. I've always wanted to be a part of a good pyramid scheme.
4. I fountain of youth
3. How to get my girlfriend off of a diet that I can't eat pasta on
2. Self help "how I can become a better lover" or "Sex for dummies"
1. Myself, I want to know if anyone out there has written a book just on me.
That's it you've been waiting for a month for that, pretty disappointing.
JT out
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
Thursday, February 08, 2007
Herpes
Sorry, so sorry I haven’t been around in a while, work and all. But I’m going to type something fantastic in a minute. It’s going to change your life.
Ready
Set
Go,
Sorry I’ve got nothing. Though I did watch a Herpes commercial yesterday and at risk of stealing many comedian’s jokes, I want herpes. I want to walk in the sand, hold hands, and skip some rocks with my lover. I’m talking about the Herpes commercial where it starts out like this:
Guy “I have genital Herpes”
Girl “and I don’t”
Guy “ and we want to keep it that way that’s why I’m taking (insert medicine name here)”
Now I’m thinking what does that guy have that the rest of us don’t? Herpes is the wrong answer. He’s on his first date with Lynn (that what we’ll call her) and the conversation of sexually transmitted diseases comes up, and she stays. Now does Brodhi (that’s what we’ll call him) drive a Ferrari, is he the prince of Whales, or is he a 80’s rocker with a 10 inch cock. If he’s not one of those things she is out the door. Or say he waits a couple of dates and they are back at his house getting frisky on the couch, her hand slowing grasping the crouch and these words leave Brodhi’s mouth:
“Wait Lynn I have something to tell you”
If this was any girl I’ve ever dated we would have to be making out on a desert island surrounded by a ring of fire, with the entire army of Alkida on the other side of the fire to get her to stay, not Brodhi, four months later they’re doing commercials together. So not only is she dating a guy with herpes she’s willing to tell all of her friends and family about her whore banging boyfriend on national television. I want that kind of relationship pull. If I told SL that I had Herpes (I Don't, though I did have that one encounter with the little Hispanic boy in Mexico, Pedro if you read this call me, I miss you, we can get married in New Hampshire, green card baby) not only would I not be doing commercials I would be homeless.
JT OUT
Ready
Set
Go,
Sorry I’ve got nothing. Though I did watch a Herpes commercial yesterday and at risk of stealing many comedian’s jokes, I want herpes. I want to walk in the sand, hold hands, and skip some rocks with my lover. I’m talking about the Herpes commercial where it starts out like this:
Guy “I have genital Herpes”
Girl “and I don’t”
Guy “ and we want to keep it that way that’s why I’m taking (insert medicine name here)”
Now I’m thinking what does that guy have that the rest of us don’t? Herpes is the wrong answer. He’s on his first date with Lynn (that what we’ll call her) and the conversation of sexually transmitted diseases comes up, and she stays. Now does Brodhi (that’s what we’ll call him) drive a Ferrari, is he the prince of Whales, or is he a 80’s rocker with a 10 inch cock. If he’s not one of those things she is out the door. Or say he waits a couple of dates and they are back at his house getting frisky on the couch, her hand slowing grasping the crouch and these words leave Brodhi’s mouth:
“Wait Lynn I have something to tell you”
If this was any girl I’ve ever dated we would have to be making out on a desert island surrounded by a ring of fire, with the entire army of Alkida on the other side of the fire to get her to stay, not Brodhi, four months later they’re doing commercials together. So not only is she dating a guy with herpes she’s willing to tell all of her friends and family about her whore banging boyfriend on national television. I want that kind of relationship pull. If I told SL that I had Herpes (I Don't, though I did have that one encounter with the little Hispanic boy in Mexico, Pedro if you read this call me, I miss you, we can get married in New Hampshire, green card baby) not only would I not be doing commercials I would be homeless.
JT OUT
Monday, January 29, 2007
Here we go
I'm getting a little sick of people not pimping this website like I do. So I've compiled a list of things that I will do, and will post pictures of if I can get 10,000 hits in one day.
1. Make out with a dog, there's one in the house who is just dieing for some affection.
2. try to drink a gallon of milk in one hour, now I know this is stupid, but the pictures that I will post is me throwing up said milk from a second floor balcony, not wearing any pants.
3. going to a tanning booth and becoming more sun burnt than any of you thought humanly possible. Also, across my ass in sunblock I'll write www.whythirtyscaresme.blogspot.com and moon a female police officer.
4. Drink a liter of whiskey and punching a stranger preferably over 60 years old, while being video taped.
Thinks of how fun this could be, everyone would get to read my babble, plus probably get me arrested. Come on folks lets put together a great big group effort.
So that's what I got, this is how I fill my work day.
JT OUT
1. Make out with a dog, there's one in the house who is just dieing for some affection.
2. try to drink a gallon of milk in one hour, now I know this is stupid, but the pictures that I will post is me throwing up said milk from a second floor balcony, not wearing any pants.
3. going to a tanning booth and becoming more sun burnt than any of you thought humanly possible. Also, across my ass in sunblock I'll write www.whythirtyscaresme.blogspot.com and moon a female police officer.
4. Drink a liter of whiskey and punching a stranger preferably over 60 years old, while being video taped.
Thinks of how fun this could be, everyone would get to read my babble, plus probably get me arrested. Come on folks lets put together a great big group effort.
So that's what I got, this is how I fill my work day.
JT OUT
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
catching up on the mountain
There are a couple of things that I‘ve always wondered about the world:
1.How does superman get a haircut?
2.Why does mans best friend have a 9 year life span, and does that somehow correspond with the length of the average marriage?
3.If I were to die right this very second, since I have no will, who would get all of my debt?
So as everyone can see, I’m back from the wonderful state of Florida. If Dorothy was from Florida instead of OZ it would be “old people, dog tracks and Cuban’s Oh my”, also Dorothy would be 130 years old drive a 1984 Cadillac, and can play canasta like nobodies business’s. The one good thing about Florida is I found a great way to save yourself 34 dollars, just think about going on a airboat ride put a fan in your face and have a buddy spill sewer water all over your hair, exactly the same experience, but with out the beautiful noise of a 1000 horse power fan blowing in your ear.
There is nothing I like about winter beside people who fake tan in it. I have a friend whose Irish and walks around in the middle of January looking like he is a Mexican. I should really say something but if I did I couldn’t make fun of him behind his back and on the blog, which about 4 people read a day.
A guess that will come to the top five reasons no one should become my fiend:
5. Since I’m presently not in the “new friend” market right now, you being the “new friend” would have to really be able to offer something. Since I have nothing to offer you then this wouldn’t be the give and take relationship your looking for.
4. I never, I mean never, return phone calls
3. Some time when its get late at night and I’ve had a couple of cocktails, I need to be held, then I push you away in the morning
2. I’m a taker, not a giver
1. Because frankly son, you’ll start getting all attached and I will go live my life long dream of being a gay cowboy on brokeback mountain and emotionally I can’t handle one of those “Why can’t I quit you moments” right now. I don’t have the time, I don’t have the energy.
JT OUT
1.How does superman get a haircut?
2.Why does mans best friend have a 9 year life span, and does that somehow correspond with the length of the average marriage?
3.If I were to die right this very second, since I have no will, who would get all of my debt?
So as everyone can see, I’m back from the wonderful state of Florida. If Dorothy was from Florida instead of OZ it would be “old people, dog tracks and Cuban’s Oh my”, also Dorothy would be 130 years old drive a 1984 Cadillac, and can play canasta like nobodies business’s. The one good thing about Florida is I found a great way to save yourself 34 dollars, just think about going on a airboat ride put a fan in your face and have a buddy spill sewer water all over your hair, exactly the same experience, but with out the beautiful noise of a 1000 horse power fan blowing in your ear.
There is nothing I like about winter beside people who fake tan in it. I have a friend whose Irish and walks around in the middle of January looking like he is a Mexican. I should really say something but if I did I couldn’t make fun of him behind his back and on the blog, which about 4 people read a day.
A guess that will come to the top five reasons no one should become my fiend:
5. Since I’m presently not in the “new friend” market right now, you being the “new friend” would have to really be able to offer something. Since I have nothing to offer you then this wouldn’t be the give and take relationship your looking for.
4. I never, I mean never, return phone calls
3. Some time when its get late at night and I’ve had a couple of cocktails, I need to be held, then I push you away in the morning
2. I’m a taker, not a giver
1. Because frankly son, you’ll start getting all attached and I will go live my life long dream of being a gay cowboy on brokeback mountain and emotionally I can’t handle one of those “Why can’t I quit you moments” right now. I don’t have the time, I don’t have the energy.
JT OUT
Sunday, January 14, 2007
Sorry in Florida
Sorry, I'm in Florida and neglectful. I'll have some kind of post tomorrow or Tuesday but until then, I'm going to be sun burnt. I think "go fuck yourself" should be a reasonable response to "did you get some sun yesterday?". More on my whiteness tomorrow.
Thursday, December 28, 2006
The Golden Globes Came Early This Year
"And the winner is"
"Oh My God, Jamie Lee Curtis, NO, Susan Sarandon, NO an unbelievable upset, the winner is SL, JT's unbelievable girlfriend"
(flash too screen, JT's parents going away party last night)
SL walks in the door, greeted by JT
"Don't even talk to me" SL says, then a montages begins, starting with JT going out with his buddies on Tuesday, SL home alone crying wondering when her boyfriend is going to come home, then the screen cuts to SL and JT have comfortable conversation with his parent talking about puppies and there upcoming trip to Florida, there laughting looking like there relationship is on the up and up, finally ending with them spending the entire ride home along with the remainder of the night in silence.
I'm pretty sure that I would rather have my hand cut off for stealing in a Turkish prison than spend another uncomfortable night at home.
What I've realized in many years of relationships is that the uncomfortable, waiting for the big fight , night at home is absolutely unavoidable. You can't leave yet because the big, Ike and Tina Turner fight hasn't happened yet, so what do you do, you sit there and wait for the silence to break. Its like sitting there waiting at the doctor's office for a testicle to be removed because whether it goes good or bad you are going to walk out less of a man.
"Oh My God, Jamie Lee Curtis, NO, Susan Sarandon, NO an unbelievable upset, the winner is SL, JT's unbelievable girlfriend"
(flash too screen, JT's parents going away party last night)
SL walks in the door, greeted by JT
"Don't even talk to me" SL says, then a montages begins, starting with JT going out with his buddies on Tuesday, SL home alone crying wondering when her boyfriend is going to come home, then the screen cuts to SL and JT have comfortable conversation with his parent talking about puppies and there upcoming trip to Florida, there laughting looking like there relationship is on the up and up, finally ending with them spending the entire ride home along with the remainder of the night in silence.
I'm pretty sure that I would rather have my hand cut off for stealing in a Turkish prison than spend another uncomfortable night at home.
What I've realized in many years of relationships is that the uncomfortable, waiting for the big fight , night at home is absolutely unavoidable. You can't leave yet because the big, Ike and Tina Turner fight hasn't happened yet, so what do you do, you sit there and wait for the silence to break. Its like sitting there waiting at the doctor's office for a testicle to be removed because whether it goes good or bad you are going to walk out less of a man.
Thursday, December 14, 2006
Why America Makes me Happy
I found this article today:
Pole dancing classes - for kids
A fitness instructor is to launch pole dancing classes - for children as young as 11.
Laraine Riddell wants to teach boys and girls to spin up and down on the poles, reports Metro.
Children's charity Kidscape have condemned the move, in Choppington, Northumberland.
The 38-year-old, who also teaches adults to pole dance, believes there is nothing sexual about children learning the moves.
These involve lifting and resistance work which builds youngsters' muscles, she explained.
"It has nothing to do with what you see in strip clubs," said Ms Riddell. "It is a way of getting fit and having fun."
Kidscape director Michele Elliott said: "Pole dancing is an activity where women on stage are given money which is stuck in their underwear. To teach 12-year-old girls pole dancing is out of order.
"I am sure pole dancing is good exercise - but so is stripping. Strippers have great bodies. By all means give the kids exercise, but just skip the poles."
I was thinking that about career night in high school, what if Sundowners Cabernet, or the Bunny Ranch were aloud to attend? That's the problem in America we, as a country aren't providing enough job training to younger women to make it in the Adult arts. I'm glad a community is ready to step up and give there young ladies the skills to make it in the 21st century.
JT OUT
Pole dancing classes - for kids
A fitness instructor is to launch pole dancing classes - for children as young as 11.
Laraine Riddell wants to teach boys and girls to spin up and down on the poles, reports Metro.
Children's charity Kidscape have condemned the move, in Choppington, Northumberland.
The 38-year-old, who also teaches adults to pole dance, believes there is nothing sexual about children learning the moves.
These involve lifting and resistance work which builds youngsters' muscles, she explained.
"It has nothing to do with what you see in strip clubs," said Ms Riddell. "It is a way of getting fit and having fun."
Kidscape director Michele Elliott said: "Pole dancing is an activity where women on stage are given money which is stuck in their underwear. To teach 12-year-old girls pole dancing is out of order.
"I am sure pole dancing is good exercise - but so is stripping. Strippers have great bodies. By all means give the kids exercise, but just skip the poles."
I was thinking that about career night in high school, what if Sundowners Cabernet, or the Bunny Ranch were aloud to attend? That's the problem in America we, as a country aren't providing enough job training to younger women to make it in the Adult arts. I'm glad a community is ready to step up and give there young ladies the skills to make it in the 21st century.
JT OUT
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
me
Me So I figure that I have been doing this for a while, and I'm a little bored between class, so I decided to finally give all of you lucky ladies a picture of me without my shirt on. Before you look you should make your boyfriends leave the room because you are going to be so overcome with passion that your going to try to google me or call me, any way you can find to get some of this sweet sweet lovin. So turn your head and say "Honey can you get me a glass of wine, and make it take a while" because here I come! If this doesn't bring 1000's of hits a day I don't know what will.
-Disclaimer- all people represented on this site are fictional and should no way remind you of you birthday at Soho
-Disclaimer- all people represented on this site are fictional and should no way remind you of you birthday at Soho
Monday, December 11, 2006
I went back to College for a weekend
Yes I know that I'm already back in college, but this weekend I went back, way back to school, I mean Rodney Dangerfield and the triple lindy back to school, yup friend of a friends house party. Keg of beer, jello shots, twenty something girls that dress way to nice to look at me, smoking inside (awesome), it's at that point I realized I really haven't been to a fun party in 6 years. I don't mean I haven't had fun at a party in 6 years, I mean I haven't been to a knock out, drag out, kegger in six years. Why is it when you turn 25 you are no longer allowed to buy 6 kegs of beer, charge people at the door, scream "house beer" at the top of your lungs while throwing some 19 year old kid to the ground?
This is the best Halloween costume I've ever seen.
I decided that there are only two things in life that make me happy:
1: having no responsibility
2: having a lot of money
and sadly I have neither.
I wanted to thank the two people who left comments on the last post, I've been doing this on two different sites for about a year and no one has left me any comments until two people decided I was going to kill myself. Thanks guy but I'm pretty sure my ego is way too big for suicide. But I do appreciate the readers.
A quick side bar on smoking inside, I live in New York, its cold, really cold, I still want to be smoking inside. I know my cloths stink, I know it stains the walls, I know I'm slowly giving the dog lung cancer, and I fucking love every minute of it. My cloths are going to stink anyway, I don't care about the walls, (I rent) and let face dogs are close to the floor and smoke rises, I really think the only person I'm hurting here is myself, which I'm fine with.
Friday, December 08, 2006
Thursday, December 07, 2006
Wednesday, December 06, 2006
Its beginning to look a lot like X-mas
So I'm sitting here at my local community college waiting for SL to pick me up, you guessed it we are down to one car (I use the term we loosely because its her car, I just drive it and ride in it every day) and I realized its almost X-mas. I though it may have been getting colder, I considered that the malls were getting more packed, I even realized that the "Wizard of OZ" is on every moment of the day if you have the time to do the searching, so yup its beginning to look a lot like X-mas. Its not that I don't like X-mas, I enjoy the giving, the receiving, the loving, wait I hate X-mas, I was thinking about the last porno I saw, It was fantastic, Black girl, White guy, a midget, 2 dogs, all topped of with sprinkles (right now I'm trying to make light on how much I hate X-mas).
1. Don't get me anything
And yes I mean it, I have everything that I want that anyone I know could afford to give me.
"JT what do you want for X-mas"
"I'm all set"
"Really you must want something"
"Yes mom actually what I want is a Porsche and a lap dance from Lonnie Anderson but since the stock market tanked a couple of years ago I don't see that happening, unless you want to take some time out of your 4 month yearly vacation. Keep playing the broke card Mom its working really well on a man who hasn't worked in 6 months"
2. Don't say you don't need anything because this I'm taking that right to the bank, If you want something then speak up or old JT Kringle will take that money and spend it on a fantastic night drinking, guilt free.
3. X-mas, I hate the term X-mas, I know that I've used it a lot in this post but I love self torture ( I was a cutter) and porn.
4. F-Turkey, every Holiday in my family serves Turkey, Thanksgiving, Turkey, Christmas, Turkey, Easter, Turkey, 4th of July, Turkey how about some roast beef, maybe I'll jut become a Jew that way I don't have to worry about X-mas and I can eat baklava, drink manashevits, and learn how to manage money.
If you don't hear from me soon I've moved to the North Pole to Kick Kris Kringle in the nuts, make out with Mrs. Clause and have a great big reindeer bbq (f-TURKEY).
JT OUT
1. Don't get me anything
And yes I mean it, I have everything that I want that anyone I know could afford to give me.
"JT what do you want for X-mas"
"I'm all set"
"Really you must want something"
"Yes mom actually what I want is a Porsche and a lap dance from Lonnie Anderson but since the stock market tanked a couple of years ago I don't see that happening, unless you want to take some time out of your 4 month yearly vacation. Keep playing the broke card Mom its working really well on a man who hasn't worked in 6 months"
2. Don't say you don't need anything because this I'm taking that right to the bank, If you want something then speak up or old JT Kringle will take that money and spend it on a fantastic night drinking, guilt free.
3. X-mas, I hate the term X-mas, I know that I've used it a lot in this post but I love self torture ( I was a cutter) and porn.
4. F-Turkey, every Holiday in my family serves Turkey, Thanksgiving, Turkey, Christmas, Turkey, Easter, Turkey, 4th of July, Turkey how about some roast beef, maybe I'll jut become a Jew that way I don't have to worry about X-mas and I can eat baklava, drink manashevits, and learn how to manage money.
If you don't hear from me soon I've moved to the North Pole to Kick Kris Kringle in the nuts, make out with Mrs. Clause and have a great big reindeer bbq (f-TURKEY).
JT OUT
Monday, November 27, 2006
Verizon+Super Cuts=Enron
So I got a new phone through work Verizon Wireless. I’m pretty sure they are owned and operated by Enron. 6 days its taken me to try to get my number over from my last carrier. These aren’t short phone calls either, right now its 12:15; I’ve been on hold since 11:17. Things I hate about Verizon Wireless:
“Sorry for the long hold, at this time I’m waiting for the other representative, do you mind being on hold for another one to two minutes” They don’t even let you stay on hold so you can at least you can do other things, you have to talk to Tasha every 2 minutes.
“It can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours” with today’s computers I would think a company on the cutting edge of technology would be able to press a button and call it a day. But no they probably use the Pony Express to complete their transactions. Huck Fin and Cool Hand Luke are probably riding their stallions through Wyoming right now with a little piece of paper with my Phone number on it in the satchels right now.
“I’m going to need to call you back” my phone doesn’t exept phone calls~ incert make up funny phone conversation, something like “I’m sorry I’m going to have to call you back”
Me
“I’m sorry but I’ll be unreachable because the phone that we bought off of you isn’t working properly because your company must be run be a bunch of baby gorilla’s. So I’ll call you back later when we will go through this all over again. Also I hope your first born falls into a well”
I don’t know why I always get the ADD hairstylist (lady right in front of the cashier).
Snip, “ohh need to pay sweetheart ok I’ll be right there”
Snip “Pumpkin no, no the product is on the left hand shelf, ok I’ll be right over”
Snip “Ring” “ring” “Ri.. Hello thank you for calling Super Cuts, no sweetheart I’m not busy, Yes there’s someone in my chair but I’m going to ignore him for a while, basically telling him that anything that walks, talks, or rings in front of this register is more important than his ever dwindling unemployment money, so what I’m going to do right no is tell him nonverbally to fuck off, and that we here at super cuts can take or leave his business because we also are run by Enron like Verizon Mobile”
Its funny because the two stores are right next to each other, well funny for me anyways, maybe not for you, if it wasn’t funny you can call me, good F-ing Luck.
“Sorry for the long hold, at this time I’m waiting for the other representative, do you mind being on hold for another one to two minutes” They don’t even let you stay on hold so you can at least you can do other things, you have to talk to Tasha every 2 minutes.
“It can take anywhere from 30 minutes to 24 hours” with today’s computers I would think a company on the cutting edge of technology would be able to press a button and call it a day. But no they probably use the Pony Express to complete their transactions. Huck Fin and Cool Hand Luke are probably riding their stallions through Wyoming right now with a little piece of paper with my Phone number on it in the satchels right now.
“I’m going to need to call you back” my phone doesn’t exept phone calls~ incert make up funny phone conversation, something like “I’m sorry I’m going to have to call you back”
Me
“I’m sorry but I’ll be unreachable because the phone that we bought off of you isn’t working properly because your company must be run be a bunch of baby gorilla’s. So I’ll call you back later when we will go through this all over again. Also I hope your first born falls into a well”
I don’t know why I always get the ADD hairstylist (lady right in front of the cashier).
Snip, “ohh need to pay sweetheart ok I’ll be right there”
Snip “Pumpkin no, no the product is on the left hand shelf, ok I’ll be right over”
Snip “Ring” “ring” “Ri.. Hello thank you for calling Super Cuts, no sweetheart I’m not busy, Yes there’s someone in my chair but I’m going to ignore him for a while, basically telling him that anything that walks, talks, or rings in front of this register is more important than his ever dwindling unemployment money, so what I’m going to do right no is tell him nonverbally to fuck off, and that we here at super cuts can take or leave his business because we also are run by Enron like Verizon Mobile”
Its funny because the two stores are right next to each other, well funny for me anyways, maybe not for you, if it wasn’t funny you can call me, good F-ing Luck.
Monday, November 13, 2006
"Wizard of OZ"
So here’s a list of thing you should never do when you are about to have an intimate moment with your significant other:
1.use baby talk
2.kiss her armpits
3.and finally start shouting out the answers to the red light questions on “Cash Cab”
At what point did the “Wizard of Oz” become a Christmas movie? Is there Santa in there somewhere? I don’t get it.
1.use baby talk
2.kiss her armpits
3.and finally start shouting out the answers to the red light questions on “Cash Cab”
At what point did the “Wizard of Oz” become a Christmas movie? Is there Santa in there somewhere? I don’t get it.
Wednesday, October 18, 2006
Keeping in touch
God I know it’s been a long time, I have so much to say, so much to do, I don’t know where to begin. First I would like to apologize to IL and SN, I have been a bad friend of late, and as I’ve neglected this blog I’ve also neglected them. I do have some pretty good reasons though, I’m moving in two weeks, not far but apartantly it takes a lot of time packing a apartment, when you are not just throwing everything in plastic bags and calling it a day. Second is school is a lot more work then I remember. Then next and final reason is that I really haven’t been going out at night as much as I used to, and if I do its because I’ve been drinking all day and am home by 9:30.
Things in my life that Rock now:
Young chicks (I go to a community college and am the only person there over twenty)
Not feeling like shit every Sunday
Fishing, I love those little fuckers
Online poker, I needed another vice
Having a laptop, the thirty minute drive to my parent every time I wanted to gamble was killing me
So last weekend I had a volleyball tournament and what do I do at volleyball tournaments, I get drunk, and what do I wake up with on Sunday morning, a hangover, and what do I have to do on Sunday, yup a four year olds b-days party at my girlfriends parent house. So I’m thinking fine I’ll go over there eat my face off, drink an entire 2-liter of sierra mist, all of the apple cider and watch some football. So everything goes as planed for the first hour then little Johney wants to open some presents, fine. Mind you that there are about thirty people at this thing so presents are going to take a while. But wait, what is SL’s dad doing? Why is he walking toward the television? Wait, Wait DAMN IT STOP, DON’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, DAMN YOU FAT MAN. Yup no TV while junior is opening up his 140 presents, fan fucking tastic. Yup he’s bringing out video camera; now my happiness can be recorded on film for the world to see. Fine so I sit there for a hour and watch him unwrap legos fine and making stupid jokes on how this video is going to create a JT media frezy and I'm going on Oprha. So we’re done, wait what’s he doing, why is he rewinding the video camera? The end of this story was for the next hour on the TV wasn’t football, it was junior unwrapping his presents all over. They could use that Video to extract information from Iraq prisoners.
Things in my life that Rock now:
Young chicks (I go to a community college and am the only person there over twenty)
Not feeling like shit every Sunday
Fishing, I love those little fuckers
Online poker, I needed another vice
Having a laptop, the thirty minute drive to my parent every time I wanted to gamble was killing me
So last weekend I had a volleyball tournament and what do I do at volleyball tournaments, I get drunk, and what do I wake up with on Sunday morning, a hangover, and what do I have to do on Sunday, yup a four year olds b-days party at my girlfriends parent house. So I’m thinking fine I’ll go over there eat my face off, drink an entire 2-liter of sierra mist, all of the apple cider and watch some football. So everything goes as planed for the first hour then little Johney wants to open some presents, fine. Mind you that there are about thirty people at this thing so presents are going to take a while. But wait, what is SL’s dad doing? Why is he walking toward the television? Wait, Wait DAMN IT STOP, DON’T TAKE THAT AWAY FROM ME, DAMN YOU FAT MAN. Yup no TV while junior is opening up his 140 presents, fan fucking tastic. Yup he’s bringing out video camera; now my happiness can be recorded on film for the world to see. Fine so I sit there for a hour and watch him unwrap legos fine and making stupid jokes on how this video is going to create a JT media frezy and I'm going on Oprha. So we’re done, wait what’s he doing, why is he rewinding the video camera? The end of this story was for the next hour on the TV wasn’t football, it was junior unwrapping his presents all over. They could use that Video to extract information from Iraq prisoners.
Friday, August 11, 2006
The 48 Year Old Freshman...
Sorry I know you feel alone without me here every week, it's just that lately I haven't really been feeling as witty as I used to. I am going back to school September 5th which will prolong me geting a job any time soon, which is really pretty sweet. I can't wait to talk to some college freshman girl, but not as a boyfriend or brother, I believe I am more of a father figure to them now. I could use cool lines like:
Me: "Wanna go see Pearl jam?"
Her: "Who?"
or
Me: "I can't wait for Hypercolor to make a come back."
Her: "What?"
Me: "You know, Hypercolor. Those are the shirts we used to wear with our Skids."
Her: "Why are you talking to me?
Me: "Because you remind me of me when I was a kid."
Her: "You smell like booze."
Well that's all for now. You've got to keep them wanting more, IJ and I are going out drinking tonight (SL's on business in Atlanta making herself a better person, plus putting bacon on the table) and when the girls are away, the mice will get shitty drunk, spend too much money, look but not touch, and be overall pretty embarrassed tomorrow. Sweet, sweet action.
JT OUT
Me: "Wanna go see Pearl jam?"
Her: "Who?"
or
Me: "I can't wait for Hypercolor to make a come back."
Her: "What?"
Me: "You know, Hypercolor. Those are the shirts we used to wear with our Skids."
Her: "Why are you talking to me?
Me: "Because you remind me of me when I was a kid."
Her: "You smell like booze."
Well that's all for now. You've got to keep them wanting more, IJ and I are going out drinking tonight (SL's on business in Atlanta making herself a better person, plus putting bacon on the table) and when the girls are away, the mice will get shitty drunk, spend too much money, look but not touch, and be overall pretty embarrassed tomorrow. Sweet, sweet action.
JT OUT
Thursday, July 27, 2006
Waking up to Danza
Hello everyone,
So I'm one step closer to becoming homeless, yes that's right I slept in my first hallway this weekend, and boy was it a boost to my self esteem. Me, curled up, snoring using a backpack as a pillow, the landlord stepping over me at 6am to wake me up and let me into my apartment. Apparently landlords in Rochester are not on call at 2am Saturday night after you've been drinking for 14 hours and left your keys at a bar.
I was thinking I might jump on this "Myspace" bandwagon that way I can figure out how many friends I have. I could wake up every morning and look into my computer's eyes and finally realized that not only am I liked by my parents but also 64 other random people I've never met or cared about.
I finally realized I really need a job, not for lack of money (owww sweet, sweet unemployment insurance) but so that I make sure I get up before 9am so I can watch the Tony Danza show. If that doesn't scream House Mom, I don't know what does.
Me: "Little Johnny, you have to go to school today the bus is almost here and Danza just started."
Johnny: "But I don't feel so well."
Me: "Don't let me get your working mother that supports this family because I'm a lazy asshole after you, you remember what happened last time."
Johnny: "She threatened to divorce you so you would have to move in with your parents."
Me: "Sit down son, take a load off. Let's watch some Danza."
So I'm one step closer to becoming homeless, yes that's right I slept in my first hallway this weekend, and boy was it a boost to my self esteem. Me, curled up, snoring using a backpack as a pillow, the landlord stepping over me at 6am to wake me up and let me into my apartment. Apparently landlords in Rochester are not on call at 2am Saturday night after you've been drinking for 14 hours and left your keys at a bar.
I was thinking I might jump on this "Myspace" bandwagon that way I can figure out how many friends I have. I could wake up every morning and look into my computer's eyes and finally realized that not only am I liked by my parents but also 64 other random people I've never met or cared about.
I finally realized I really need a job, not for lack of money (owww sweet, sweet unemployment insurance) but so that I make sure I get up before 9am so I can watch the Tony Danza show. If that doesn't scream House Mom, I don't know what does.
Me: "Little Johnny, you have to go to school today the bus is almost here and Danza just started."
Johnny: "But I don't feel so well."
Me: "Don't let me get your working mother that supports this family because I'm a lazy asshole after you, you remember what happened last time."
Johnny: "She threatened to divorce you so you would have to move in with your parents."
Me: "Sit down son, take a load off. Let's watch some Danza."
Monday, July 17, 2006
Racist Gary and IJ
When I thought about writing this post, a couple of ideas came to mind, one how when I came home at 7 Saturday night SL had already drank 12 beers, awesome, and then continued to drink, even more F-ing awesome. Number two, maybe a funny college tale about the biggest and longest lie in history, then the three reasons that I love IJ. Well folks you are going to get two out of three today, so here comes the story of the biggest lie in the world.
It all starts one faithful night at the Theta Chi fraterninty house. I'm sitting there with a nice young lady named Shelly. Now Shelly is pretty hot, plus cool, also we've made out before and I'm thinking that maybe we might be able to awkwardly fondle each other the way only drunk college kids do. Another part of this story is a friend of mine, Gary who fell off the deep end that summer and decided to become a skin head. So needless to say it was getting late and the Pabst Ice was flowing, I'm getting drunk and Gary's getting racist. Yelling about jews, blacks, and asians like they owe him money. Shelly's getting upset because she's Jewish, so finally I, her knight in shining armor say, "You know what I'm Jewish." Which of course let me be the pinpoint of his anger not Shelly. I'm thinking I'm the big hero, this will all blow over and I finally get to touch her love taco. Well needless to say, she didn't sleep with me. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her again, and I was known as the Jewish kid for the next five years. Gary and I started getting along as he became less racist and an Elvis impersinator, until one fine night, in the bathroom of a bar. We were both at a urinal, I turn, look him square in the side of the head and say "You know what Gary I'm not jewish at all, I was raised Catholic and have never even been inside of a Temple." Then with a look of surprise he turned and asked me to join him in the parking lot, because though he hides it well, once a racist alway a racist.
Reasons I love IJ
1. He knows everything about movies and music, by far the best "Do you know who sang this?" guy I've ever met.
2. He hates most people
3. He would find the idea of tackling my old boss for no reason funny
4. He can drink 9 Bud Lights in a hour
5. He loves sleep more than I do
6. When I told him I was fired he said "That's fucking awesome!"
Reasons I hate IJ
1. He has a little yellow sports car (gay)
JT OUT
It all starts one faithful night at the Theta Chi fraterninty house. I'm sitting there with a nice young lady named Shelly. Now Shelly is pretty hot, plus cool, also we've made out before and I'm thinking that maybe we might be able to awkwardly fondle each other the way only drunk college kids do. Another part of this story is a friend of mine, Gary who fell off the deep end that summer and decided to become a skin head. So needless to say it was getting late and the Pabst Ice was flowing, I'm getting drunk and Gary's getting racist. Yelling about jews, blacks, and asians like they owe him money. Shelly's getting upset because she's Jewish, so finally I, her knight in shining armor say, "You know what I'm Jewish." Which of course let me be the pinpoint of his anger not Shelly. I'm thinking I'm the big hero, this will all blow over and I finally get to touch her love taco. Well needless to say, she didn't sleep with me. In fact, I don't think I ever saw her again, and I was known as the Jewish kid for the next five years. Gary and I started getting along as he became less racist and an Elvis impersinator, until one fine night, in the bathroom of a bar. We were both at a urinal, I turn, look him square in the side of the head and say "You know what Gary I'm not jewish at all, I was raised Catholic and have never even been inside of a Temple." Then with a look of surprise he turned and asked me to join him in the parking lot, because though he hides it well, once a racist alway a racist.
Reasons I love IJ
1. He knows everything about movies and music, by far the best "Do you know who sang this?" guy I've ever met.
2. He hates most people
3. He would find the idea of tackling my old boss for no reason funny
4. He can drink 9 Bud Lights in a hour
5. He loves sleep more than I do
6. When I told him I was fired he said "That's fucking awesome!"
Reasons I hate IJ
1. He has a little yellow sports car (gay)
JT OUT
Friday, July 14, 2006
Another asshole post
I’m Sorry, Jesus Christ I’m sorry I’ve been busy, very busy with my new vice. Yup you guessed it not that drinking and smoking and a history of drug abuse wasn’t enough, I’ve taken up online gambling. Sweet sweet texas holdem 1000 hands a day, 7 days a week 365 days a year (or the last 14) and what do I have for my 50 hours of online play, $10.70, yup up $10.70. If I keep this up I might make $26 this year. Besides that nothing is really going on, I got drunk last night, I got drunk on Tuesday too.
In other news I’ve been trying to get up before noon everyday and its just not working. You know what I’m going to stop this right now, this post suck,s I’ll post again when I have something funny to say. Its not going to be today though maybe Monday. I can't help it I'm grumpy.
In other news I’ve been trying to get up before noon everyday and its just not working. You know what I’m going to stop this right now, this post suck,s I’ll post again when I have something funny to say. Its not going to be today though maybe Monday. I can't help it I'm grumpy.
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